Going Out West

Well, I was able to snag a military discounted airfare to Washington state for tomorrow evening. My mother is already there and has told me that my uncle is on life support and does not look too good. I do not know what to expect or know how I am going to react to all of this. Definitely not looking forward to it all, but I am glad that I am able to go. I will be staying there until Saturday.

On another note, I would just like to thank all my friends. Lately, I have been going through a lot of crap and have been able to talk to a lot of people about some of it. This has really helped me and I have never been able to do this before. Also, there are a few of you, who I have never met, who have actually helped me as well with your stories or words of encouragement. Thanks again.

When It Rains, It Pours

Last night, my mother called me to tell me that my uncle is in critical condition in the hospital; the doctors give him 24 hours. I don't know how to react to this news. I am already hurting from some other stuff going on and now this. My mother wants to fly out to Washington state to see him and wants me to come with her. I really want to, but I have problems with missing some tests in school and the plane ticket is over $600.

Outside my immediate family, my uncle is really the only other family I have. Through the years, he and his wife have supported me in so many ways with my mission trips and life. He always brought a smile to my face with his constant humor and high spirit of life. Now he lies in a hospital, on the other side of the country, waiting to die and I cannot be there with him right now.

I don't know what to do. Sometimes, I feel like giving everything up and leaving.

My New War

There is some kind of saying out there that says you never know what you have until you lose it. I thought to myself about this after my deployment to Iraq and swore that I would do the most with my life that I can and cherish everyone because life is short. There were a lot of good men who did not come home and I feel obligated to make sure I live my life as best as I can for the ones who cannot. This may sound weird, but it is just how I honestly feel.

Recently, I lost someone in my life that I cared a lot for, but for some reason or another, I have a very difficult time showing emotion and affection. Ever since I got back home from Iraq, I feel distant from everyone. I feel that I don't fit in anywhere and I cannot open up to anyone, my friends or my family. Basically, I shut out a lot of people to my emotions because I'm afraid that I will lose them and I can't bare to go through that again.

I have realized that I have this problem and I am trying desperately to fix it. In the process, I really do try to make an effort but sometimes come up lacking and this has caused other people around me pain. I am truly sorry for that.

Right now, I am hurting and going through a lot of stress. I find myself sleeping just a few hours then waking up and just laying in bed for hours, waiting for the sun to come up and my day to begin. Even though I am so tired, I just cannot sleep. My eating habits have me eating very small meals before I get full and sometimes not wanting to eat at all. I feel this intense pressure building up inside me and all I want to do is scream or cry. There are many times that I feel like quitting school and volunteer for another tour in Iraq. Why you may ask; it is because life for me is easier in Iraq than here. True, I have people trying to kill me, but all I have to worry about is staying alive and watching my friend’s back. That is buried deep within instinct and comes easy to do. Whereas here at home, you have the wife or girlfriend to deal with, kids, school, traffic jams, forgetting a birthday, or even just a slow line at the grocery store would upset some people.

This is one of the most honest and emotional posts I have written in a very long time. While in Iraq, it was nice to put my thoughts down on paper and share them, than for me to tell people. This comes much more naturally to me and easier than talking about my feelings. I ask for your prayers while I am going through this hell per say. A country song says this:

If you're going through hell

Keep on going, Don't slow down

If you're scared, don't show it

You might get out

Before the devil even knows you're there

That is what I am trying to do. I also ask that anyone who knows me and sees me often, to please try and challenge me to be more open because I don’t want to hurt anyone else or go through life sealed up and dead on the inside.

This is my new war…

Whitewater Rafting

Last weekend, I was able to experience the rapids of the Gulley River in West Virginia. That is me in the front wearing a brown fleece. This was the first time I have ever done this and thoroughly enjoyed it, though the water was freezing cold. Moreover, I never fell out; I was told that I would probably fall out a few times. Never did, but did come close a few times. I really do not see how people get hurt doing this stuff. Our raft guide did not like me taking pictures, with a waterproof camera, during the rapids, but I tend to not listen when I really want to do something. (the photos came out horribly)

In addition, we were able to experience “The Mystery Hole.” After paying a small admission charge of $5, we ventured down into “The Mystery Hole.” Let me just say this, it was one of the most retarded things I have ever witnessed and experienced; we paid too much admission charge. Plus, due to their rules, no cameras were allowed to take photos inside, so I have this photo taken outside “The Mystery Hole.”



Just imagine what a white trash trailer park would do for a local attraction and that would set you up mentally for how dumb this thing was.