There is some kind of saying out there that says you never know what you have until you lose it. I thought to myself about this after my deployment to Iraq and swore that I would do the most with my life that I can and cherish everyone because life is short. There were a lot of good men who did not come home and I feel obligated to make sure I live my life as best as I can for the ones who cannot. This may sound weird, but it is just how I honestly feel.
Recently, I lost someone in my life that I cared a lot for, but for some reason or another, I have a very difficult time showing emotion and affection. Ever since I got back home from Iraq, I feel distant from everyone. I feel that I don't fit in anywhere and I cannot open up to anyone, my friends or my family. Basically, I shut out a lot of people to my emotions because I'm afraid that I will lose them and I can't bare to go through that again.
I have realized that I have this problem and I am trying desperately to fix it. In the process, I really do try to make an effort but sometimes come up lacking and this has caused other people around me pain. I am truly sorry for that.
Right now, I am hurting and going through a lot of stress. I find myself sleeping just a few hours then waking up and just laying in bed for hours, waiting for the sun to come up and my day to begin. Even though I am so tired, I just cannot sleep. My eating habits have me eating very small meals before I get full and sometimes not wanting to eat at all. I feel this intense pressure building up inside me and all I want to do is scream or cry. There are many times that I feel like quitting school and volunteer for another tour in Iraq. Why you may ask; it is because life for me is easier in Iraq than here. True, I have people trying to kill me, but all I have to worry about is staying alive and watching my friend’s back. That is buried deep within instinct and comes easy to do. Whereas here at home, you have the wife or girlfriend to deal with, kids, school, traffic jams, forgetting a birthday, or even just a slow line at the grocery store would upset some people.
This is one of the most honest and emotional posts I have written in a very long time. While in Iraq, it was nice to put my thoughts down on paper and share them, than for me to tell people. This comes much more naturally to me and easier than talking about my feelings. I ask for your prayers while I am going through this hell per say. A country song says this:
If you're going through hell
Recently, I lost someone in my life that I cared a lot for, but for some reason or another, I have a very difficult time showing emotion and affection. Ever since I got back home from Iraq, I feel distant from everyone. I feel that I don't fit in anywhere and I cannot open up to anyone, my friends or my family. Basically, I shut out a lot of people to my emotions because I'm afraid that I will lose them and I can't bare to go through that again.
I have realized that I have this problem and I am trying desperately to fix it. In the process, I really do try to make an effort but sometimes come up lacking and this has caused other people around me pain. I am truly sorry for that.
Right now, I am hurting and going through a lot of stress. I find myself sleeping just a few hours then waking up and just laying in bed for hours, waiting for the sun to come up and my day to begin. Even though I am so tired, I just cannot sleep. My eating habits have me eating very small meals before I get full and sometimes not wanting to eat at all. I feel this intense pressure building up inside me and all I want to do is scream or cry. There are many times that I feel like quitting school and volunteer for another tour in Iraq. Why you may ask; it is because life for me is easier in Iraq than here. True, I have people trying to kill me, but all I have to worry about is staying alive and watching my friend’s back. That is buried deep within instinct and comes easy to do. Whereas here at home, you have the wife or girlfriend to deal with, kids, school, traffic jams, forgetting a birthday, or even just a slow line at the grocery store would upset some people.
This is one of the most honest and emotional posts I have written in a very long time. While in Iraq, it was nice to put my thoughts down on paper and share them, than for me to tell people. This comes much more naturally to me and easier than talking about my feelings. I ask for your prayers while I am going through this hell per say. A country song says this:
If you're going through hell
Keep on going, Don't slow down
If you're scared, don't show it
You might get out
Before the devil even knows you're there
That is what I am trying to do. I also ask that anyone who knows me and sees me often, to please try and challenge me to be more open because I don’t want to hurt anyone else or go through life sealed up and dead on the inside.
This is my new war…
That is what I am trying to do. I also ask that anyone who knows me and sees me often, to please try and challenge me to be more open because I don’t want to hurt anyone else or go through life sealed up and dead on the inside.
This is my new war…
3 comments:
That's pretty heave stuff bro. I cannot begin to fathom what you have gone through. But, you can rest assured that there are lots of us that love you dearly, and worried our butts off about you when you were in Iraq.
I will continue to pray for you as I did when you were gone. You have friends here, and although we may not be able to understand everything, we can listen to you and pray with you.
james,
I think everyone that reads your blog knows what an extraordinarily tough time you have been through.
Whatever you feel you should do you should know that I hope you feel on top of it soon.
Take care mate
James,
I can't begin to know what you are going through but I've been reading your blog for a while now and I can tell you are an extraordinary young man who will overcome this.
Don't shut people out. There are a lot of people who love you and you need them in your life. They will understand and support you but you need to let them know you are hurting. Just like in Iraq, you need people watching your back. Let the people who love you watch your back for you now.
I'm a lot older than you are and I’ve learned that life is series of beginnings and endings. You learn to mourn your loses but still celebrate the time you had that person in your life. To me, it is just important to know I made a difference in someone’s life. You’ve made a difference to people’s lives both at home and with your blog.
I've probably have already said too much but I wanted to let you know that even those of us you have never met are pulling for you.
Hang tough buddy,
Craig
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